Jessica Barratt

Writer & Photographer | Digital Portfolio

Recent Stories

  • Let’s Be Honest: Your Body Issues Hurt Me Too

    Let’s Be Honest: Your Body Issues Hurt Me Too

    Although I wrote on this topic in 2013 for (a now defunct) imagirl.ca, I think it’s body-positive message is just as important today. That’s why I am re-posting it here (with minor updates) for those of you who might be looking at your friends, and thinking yourself less by comparison.

    Imagine: You and your best girlfriend are sitting in the bathroom, painting your toenails. You don’t have any real issues with your feet, but your friend blurts out in the middle of a paint stroke, “Ew! My index toe is sooooo loooong. I hate it!”

    Bam.

    Just like that, you’re looking at your own index toe. It is slightly longer than your big toe, but you weren’t aware that was even a problem. Suddenly, you’re conscious of something you were never conscious of before. Like Kady – who didn’t even know what nail beds were before the other Mean Girls mentioned them – you suddenly see yourself in a new (negative) light.

    (Also, who the hell cares about TOES? They’re toes. They’re weird-looking by nature. Show me a picture of a ‘perfect’ set of toes. I dare you. What is a perfect set of toes, anyway? Who the heck decided that one? Actually, this tangent goes for any body part: Who has the last say in perfection?)

    Take it a step further: You and your new friend are sitting at a table for lunch. She begins complaining about how fat she is – at 150 pounds.

    I have two problems here: (1) your friend has just (unknowingly) dissed over a quarter of the female population, and (2) suddenly, even though you were perfectly happy with your weight a moment ago, you’re suddenly aware (even if your friend isn’t) that maybe you aren’t good enough – for her standard, or for anyone’s. Or perhaps you’ve always been told to put on weight, and now you feel that even more heavily.

    Suddenly, you’ve been sucked into a bad-time spiral that can only go nowhere.

    Been here before? Yeah. Like any of the beautiful, strong and passionate women reading this article, I’ve had my own fair share of spirals, usually after getting home from a really nice day out in the world. I’ll step past a mirror, look at my hair, calculate my weight, my height, my hands, my nose, my feet, my teeth . . . the list goes on. I would become consumed by it, the insecurities I could never escape or understand.

    Why was I so consumed with my body? I ask myself, now so far away from all that. I remember thinking there was no way anyone could like me for me. That my body and my beauty was the only real thing I could offer anyone.

    What’s worse? My insecurities were being reinforced on every side. Not just magazines, and television, and movies, and Instagram, no. By my friends. My family. The men and women in my life who hated on themselves, or others, without realizing the impact it was having on me, sitting right there in the room.

    Thankfully, many of us are becoming keen on these dangers. There are a ton of channels that teach us how to re-assess our own opinions of beauty (like instagram vs. reality on Reddit), or the ways we view others; we catch the lies before they catch us.

    Yay! That’s progress.

    The Problem That Stays

    Nevertheless, we still face a larger problem, one that many of us partake in unconsciously. Like I mentioned before: that scene in Mean Girls where three leading ladies stand in front of a mirror and pick themselves apart, noting their wide variety of ‘imperfections’. Why is it that Kady feels the need to jump in with her awful breath comment? Why does she feel pressured to partake in the routine self-deprecation that goes on behind locked bathroom doors–even when we’re alone?

    Truth be told, I think we’re so used to hurting ourselves and each other that we don’t even see it anymore. We apply completely different standards for ourselves than anyone else, and it shows. We lob insults at ourselves, at others in jealousy or hatred at what they reflect in ourselves, hurting everyone in the process.

    Looking back, I can really see that now: the ways my friends were hurt by my self-derision–the way I was hurt by theirs. Even now, if I call myself an ‘idiot’ or ‘dumb’ as a result of some small mistake, I can feel the echo of those voices below, waiting to grasp hold on those words and make me believe them.

    Thankfully, my friends and I have had a lot of growing to do, and we’re all used to catching those words and countering them quickly now.

    But how did we get here?

    How can you join us?

    Starting the Process of Self-Love

    Everyone is different. Your process is going to look different. Mine started on a couch on a rainy day, when I’d finally had it with hating myself. I was going to be ME forever after all, there was no changing that. I looked up some self-love quotes, landed on this wild website, cried for two days, and then started to let myself believe, like the people I’d found online, and in life, that I was loveable. Worthwhile. That my body wasn’t the measure of any of that at ALL.

    Still, all my loathing wasn’t going to go away overnight. And just “loving myself” wasn’t this Super Cure that had come along and changed my life in a blink. What did though, was a conscious choice:

    I stopped looking at myself.

    Instead (and also inspired by a friend who gives compliments SO easily), I began looking at others, and finding my favourite part about them. It was so much easier to look at someone else and call them beautiful. It started with their clothes, and then moved to their hair. Their eyes. Their smile. I began seeing things differently: chubby arms as totally cute, and thick thighs or no butt as unique and different and human. Dimples and armpits and knuckles and knees. Wrinkles and waddles and tummies and toes. All the things that make up the bodies that hold onto our minds for life.

    I’m getting away from myself:

    The trick is, when you start to think this way, of everyone else as being beautiful, your logic is going to kick in just like mine did. It’s going to say: well, if everyone else’s differences and bodies are different and cool and cute and beautiful, why can’t mine be, too?

    Soon, the things that I had learned were bad or ugly or that ‘should be hidden’ became like flipping the pages of a very fun book as I watched others make them beautiful. Easily, looking at others as beautiful became a habit. I began complimenting strangers on the street for practice. And then, because it had become so habitual, I began looking at myself in the mirror through the eyes of someone who loved bodies, and faces, and wrinkles, and acne, and saw only goodness. I started to understand that my socialized thinking–which resulted in my seeing my reflection as somehow wrong–was actually the mistake I was making.

    This is Me, I would say. This body’s cool because it’s MINE.

    Sending Yourself some Body Love

    Still, there are those who aren’t ready to see it in themselves, and it can be difficult to navigate this presence in ourselves and our loved ones. I mean, how many of us have gone our entire lives without leaving our body-cares behind, without letting ourselves live free of that weight? Can we really reverse the negative others-affected hatred of ten, twenty, or fifty years? Can we allow this renewed self-discovery the room it needs to blossom?

    I think YES.

    It takes a lot of work. It pushed me to tears to realize that maybe, just maybe, I was beautiful, too. Inside, and out. I read self-help books, and searched for positivity in every corner of my life. I learned to love myself in my very own way. And you know what? I am feeling the love now, and in the years beyond, continually grateful that I can hear the self-loathing of others and be free of it–even counter it own and show others the way OUT.

    And you know what else? There’s enough of that love for all of us. Even if you don’t see it now. Guess what, too? I’m gonna counter your next three bad thoughts about yourself. No! I’ll say. You’re enough. More than enough. Better than enough! And the world is ready to see you for who you really are. I’ll counter the fourth too, oh! And the fifth. Just hand them over–they’re not for you.

    Now, get! Take another step forward on your self-love journey! I’ve given you some tools, and I’ll be right there behind you.

  • Bait and Twitch

    Bait and Twitch

    There’s dirt, and there’s grime, and then there’s whatever lives beneath the cracked-claw fingernails of Arnold K. Sprouse, the fat man who everyone was sure had been a child at some point, who forever twitched or itched at the boils beneath his skin. Worse yet, Arnold was the kind of scrounging sort of thing that had a dream, can you believe it? A dream!

    Ah, yes, poor Arnold had always had his dream, and though it was the same dream to which many had striven, it seemed all the much sadder on him. For, as you may know, The Distillery was a place so far beyond the stature of most in that hovel-realm of Onmarth that lowly Arnold was naturally a prime source of pity, in all his dismal dreariness, just for his dream of wanting, not only to work at The Distillery, no…but to become Onmarth’s Head Brewmaster! 

    Worse yet, Arnold’s mother (whose real name Arnold did not know, but whom he called Tress like everyone else) had never taught pitiable Arnold about free will. And so he had gone and presumed hers as his own, following in her clubbed footsteps all his days—even abiding by the terrible meals of day-old cabbage that were his ration. 

    I’m liable to admit of course, that many of us in Onmarth had paid to see that.

    The throwing of the cabbage, I mean. 

    Indeed, there were few who had not watched as, after a full day of warty magician’s foolery, Tress would finally throw Arnold half a head of the mouldy stuff, and poor Arnold would be forced into the gruelling – thankfully brief – task of transforming himself into a rabbit just so the meal would be enough, or even appetizing.

    Yes, you’ve heard right. Although Tress was little more than a deceitful scammer pedalling bad tricks and false healer’s wares, Arnold could really and truly turn himself into a small, brown-splotched rabbit!

    It is prudent to mention of course that Arnold’s ‘talent’ isn’t the only one like his in the world. There are many of us who have a little something – a green thumb, or a purple tongue, as they say. The difference with Arnold? He was just so woefully ugly that we couldn’t pay enough to put his face from our sight!

    But I get away from myself. The truly interesting thing is that, on the morning of Arnold’s 30th birthday, a strange, unmarked notice arrived at Tress’ door. (As it would turn out, one such notice had taken up the doorstep of every domicile in Onmarth, but this was of little import to either Tress or Arnold). From it, the residents of that abode did discover something quite of interest: Onmarth’s own Brewmaster had fallen terribly ill.

    Already the streets were rife. Many knew that the Brewmaster had never a son, nor had he announced an heir to his proverbial fortune. And indeed, the issue of who would take over the brew-works (which of course supplied everyone in Onmarth with enough liquor to keep them pleasant) became like a disease in the Sprouse household, with Tress already scheming, and Arnold already…dreaming, thinking only of The Distillery.

    Why he could have wanted such a thing I’ll never guess, but as many before them (though with plenty different aims), Tress and Arnold soon set off on the hard week’s journey to visit The Distillery for themselves.

    Naturally, and by the time they arrived, many of the region’s best magical healers had already been to see the Brewmaster. They, much like everyone else, had concluded that a lack of heir meant the Brewmaster must live—but had failed nonetheless. This was of course to Tress’ benefit, who went solely for her own purposes, and who barely knew of her son’s truest and most deeply held desire. Come along, Tress would rag at Arnold, who rolled nervously along behind their caravan, munching on the leftover cabbage stuck between his teeth. We are going to pep that old geezer up with some spice-water and they’ll send us on our way with a nice treat, hay?

    Though (and for the first time perhaps) it had occurred to Arnold that his mother was wrong to defraud the ill, I am sure poor Arnold was rather taken with the fact that he would finally be going there; that he would be…if they would not bar him…allowed entry into the very chambers of the Brewmaster himself!

    The funny thing about Arnold, though, is that he’d never had the wits to imagine what The Distillery actuallylooked like. As such, while many were quietly disappointed with the place’s wooden-bracketed barrel-drums and thinning, rope-harnessed drain spouts (and who wouldn’t be, after hearing of its glorious golden turrets and towers from still-drunk patrons), Arnold himself was in a world of pure joy. His pea-brain lit up on all sides as his bawdy legs led the rest of him into a dark cavern—one that would turn out to be the Distillery’s dank, one-room main-house! And wouldn’t you know it, being of the rodent type, Arnold found he could see extremely well in the room’s low-light haze. 

    Yet, it was perhaps due to this small advantage that Arnold could also see through the miasma (which, it’s been said, smelled of bed sores, candle-smoke, and raw alcohol) that otherwise hid the grotesque and riddled form of the Brewmaster, who lay sponging in his bed with skin so tired it withered away from his very bones. And it could be that the sight of this pimpled, throttled man (just as ugly as Arnold himself, and maybe more so) startled Arnold so much that he twitched, quite suddenly, into a small, fuzzy-brown rabbit.

    Now, what Arnold made of what he heard next likely doesn’t matter: Arnold simply couldn’t understand humans when he was a rabbit. But Tress heard very clearly the frightening, rising bellow of a coughing drum; and she alone heard in it the ugly-hearty guffaw of a repugnant drunk-in-the-night: it was the Brewmaster himself! And he was laughing!

    Ho! Ho! Ho! Wot’s that? Wot’s that? Ho! Ho! Ho!

    And so it was, long before Tress had the chance to display her false foolery, that the Brewmaster rose, reduced by ten or twenty years by miracle of a good healthy chuckle, and pushed that deceptive Tress-witch out of the way. Oh, and how he stood, laughing and laughing at poor, hilarious Arnold, who by now had decided it was safe to turn back into himself. 

    Ho! Ho! Ho! 

    Well, from what they say, the Brewmaster was right then cured of that somber soldier called sobriety, and became drunk instead on the surprise delight he found in watching the grotesque pin-ball that is Arnold Sprouse turn into a harmless, impossibly small rodent. They also say too, that Arnold and his Brewmaster made quite the ugly pair throughout the next years together, the latter of whom left the former everything in the next few years after that. 

    And since you were wondering, after throwing filthy old Tress out on sight (as he had the many others who had not made him feel any better) the Brewmaster went back to his brewing and allowed his tiny new pet to drink ‘til full. 

    As for Arnold…well, I suppose his dream came true after all, which says something about that, I’m sure. 

  • Tourism Steeped in Tradition

    Tourism Steeped in Tradition

    Article originally commissioned by Economic Developers Alberta, and published in Xperience Alberta, two popular investment and tourist publications currently in circulation around the province. You can find the original article HERE.

    Tourism Steeped In Tradition

    Alberta’s Indigenous tourism experiences provide a unique combination of history and adventure across the province

    It’s been said that adventure lies in your own backyard and it’s a sentiment that’s been embraced by Indigenous outdoor adventure company Painted Warriors.

    Nestled in the rolling hills at the base of the Rocky Mountains about 100 kilometres northwest of Calgary, Tracey Klettl and Tim Mearns are co-owners of the 82-acre ranch that provides visitors with an immersive experience based on the traditional and modern day lifestyle of the Cree and Saulteaux people.

    “We created our company with the intent to preserve some land-based skills that are being lost,” says Klettl.

    From numerous tour packages to retreats and survival weekends hosted at the rustic facility, there’s a long list of activities to experience at the Painted Warriors ranch, including horseback riding, survival skills, animal tracking and archery. Overnight stays can be booked in Metis-style trapper tents and Painted Warriors offers year-round activities, for anyone brave enough to test themselves against the elements.

    As a 100 percent Indigenous-owned business, Painted Warriors also shares close ties to the surrounding community and Klettl is proud of the partnerships her business has formed with local Indigenous operators from Morley, Siksika and BY Jessica Barratt the Blood Reserve (Kainai), as well as with other Indigenous tourism organizations.

    “We really try and build the understanding that we are stronger when we work together,” says Klettl. “We have had some amazing interactions with our guests … reaching the bridge of understanding and realization that deep down we are all missing that connection to not only the natural world, but the human connection as well.”

    Many Indigenous tourism businesses blend the rich history of Indigenous people with modern elements to provide unique products and services. Photo courtesy of Indigenous Tourism Alberta.

    There’s no shortage of Indigenous tourism experiences in Alberta that offer that connection.

    From outdoor adventure activities like hiking, fishing, archery, rock climbing and horseback riding to hotels, bed and breakfast suites, campsites, restaurants and casinos, there are Indigenous-owned businesses in nearly every facet of tourism in Alberta. Many experiences blend the rich history of Indigenous people with modern elements to provide unique products and services.

    “We’re fortunate to have a diverse and rich history of Indigenous cultures and tourism that allows residents to get out and explore Indigenous businesses and activities within their own community, as well as across Alberta.”

    —Shae Bird, executive director with Indigenous Tourism Alberta

    “There is an increased appetite amongst Albertans to expand their understanding of the history and cultures of this province,” affirms Shae Bird, executive director with Indigenous Tourism Alberta, an organization committed to the vitality of Indigenous tourism businesses across the province. “We’re fortunate to have a diverse and rich history of Indigenous cultures and tourism that allows residents to get out and explore Indigenous businesses and activities within their own community, as well as across Alberta.”

    Any Albertan who has visited Grey Eagle Resort and Casino, one of five such Indigenous-owned casino destinations in the province, certainly knows this is true. There, visitors benefit from a robust selection of casino games, dining and other entertainment amenities, all against an authentic backdrop of thoughtful Indigenous cultural experiences that is tied closely to the surrounding Tsuut’ina Nation.

    The casino sits to the southwest of Calgary on Tsuut’ina land, and includes a 4.5-star hotel and the world-renowned Little Chief Restaurant. The site’s event centre has hosted top comedians and bands, as well as events during the Calgary Stampede. In addition to the modern-day activities, Grey Eagle Resort and Casino also prides itself as an Indigenous-owned business that tells its own story and partners with other businesses on the Nation.

    “All guests’ experiences are unique, and their takeaway is always positive, whether they are listening to an elder storyteller in our Grey Eagle tipi, or attending a corporate event where singers and dancers welcome them to Treaty 7 Territory,” says Tamara Littlelight, sales manager with the resort’s hotel. “Community is always at the forefront of our mandate. It is an honour to work for Grey Eagle Resort knowing that what we do here allows the Tsuut’ina community to flourish and grow.”

    Indeed, the casino partners with Tsuut’ina community organizations to redistribute a share of their proceeds with locals.

    “The Grey Eagle casino, hotel and event centre are all world class facilities, and provide important revenue and employment for the Nation,” confirms Chief Roy Whitney of Tsuut’ina Nation. “They generate funds which support our social well-being programs, language and culture, community services and public safety programs including the Tsuut’ina Nation Police and Fire Department.”

    Bearing not only the promise of unparalleled cultural experience, but also providing a steady, direct stream of revenue for Indigenous businesses and communities, Alberta’s Indigenous tourism sector exemplifies the true essence of what the province’s one-of-a-kind heritage and landscape has to offer.

    Paying It Forward

    The reciprocal nature of Alberta’s Indigenous tourism businesses showcases the importance of tourism to the overall vitality of the province’s economy. Indigenous tourism in Alberta was valued at $166 million of the province’s total GDP in 2019 and most, if not all, of the profits were invested back into local businesses. During 2020, Indigenous Tourism Alberta committed up to $7,500 to any of their 70 member businesses to offset costs associated with the shutdown of the global tourism industry due to the pandemic.

    “Our goal at ITA is to help these businesses, and our industry as a whole, remain competitive to accelerate our recovery and contribute to the diversification of our provincial economy,” says Shae Bird, executive director with Indigenous Tourism Alberta. “Indigenous tourism has the power to change perspectives, preserve culture, language and traditions, all while increasing economic viability through the province of Alberta.”

    By late-2020, ITA had supported 37 Indigenous-owned businesses with a total of $200,000, including Painted Warriors. The company was able to bring back Indigenous staff members and carry on with programming over the summer thanks to the stimulus funding from ITA.

    “We are lucky and blessed to be a part of Indigenous Tourism Alberta,” says Tracey Klettl, co-owner of Painted Warriors.

  • Spill

    Spill

    A while back I had the honour of having both a short story and a small book review published in the inaugural issue of The Bolo Tie Collective‘s annual anthology. While the book review takes a lighter approach to a local author’s short publication, the short story below casts a dark shadow on Edmonton’s 104th Avenue, where “Spill” takes place.

    (more…)

  • On Turning 30: Aging Between Friends

    On Turning 30: Aging Between Friends

    In about four days, I’ll be turning 30. And while it’s bound to be strange, being told you’re going to do something your whole life only to actually do it, I can’t seem to place this wriggling feeling I have of wanting to sit down and really ask myself: what does this milestone even mean? 

    In between that thinking though, I will say this: there’s something about turning 30 in this year of all years that’s making this shift extremely emblematic. The shift of all shifts. Monumental. 

    Overwhelming? Only if I let it be. And sure, I’ve always felt comfortable with change, but I can see this year as being one I will never forget, bound not only by the focus that 30 gets in our media, our conversations, and even our idioms, but also compounded with whatever this year and the next become in our collective memories. 

    With this reflection in my mind then, and having long ago learned the power that comes with making the choice to reach out to someone when I’m facing a problem, I knew I needed to speak with someone who had known me for a lot longer than a hot second; someone who had actually watched me shift from a stumbling teenager into the 29-year-old I am today (and the thriving 30-year-old that’s coming next!).

    Amy and Jessica Barratt (2015)

    Before I go on though, here’s a quick little something about me: I’ve always been a mover. I’ve lived in a ton of cities, picking up year after year from one town to another. That’s over 20 moves by 29 years old. So when I say that I’m grateful to still be in touch with the people who knew me…not just five years ago…but fifteen…twenty?…I mean that to the fullest, because in a transient world, these are the true pillars that hold us steady. That’s why, at the end of the day, a long-time best friend is always my best medicine. 

    “Amy! You turned 30 this year…what do I do?” I find myself asking over video chat with Amy, my top lady since 2005. She laughs at me with the same bright smile she’s had since Grade 10 (on that strange and hilarious moment when I turned around and basically yelled-asked why she was writing MY name on HER school-binder, only to discover that…she wasn’t) and tells me to breathe: 

    “Don’t worry, we’re going into your thirties with a bang!” she cheers. This time it’s me who’s grinning, remembering this same girl sitting across from me across the span of years, from our teens, to our twenties, to now. It’s almost as if, for one moment, I can see every version of her as I’ve known her. And in all cases? She’s my mother-frickin’ bestie. 

    “Well,” I start, “we did know each other all through high school…”

    “…and it wasn’t pretty…” she laughs again, poking fun at our younger fashion faux pas’. I can tell we’re in for yet another conversation full of nostalgia, laughter, and reminiscing about old times, and so I sit back on the couch to get cozy, a winter blizzard blowing strong outside, ready to remember what we’ve learned, and imagine what we will learn along the way! 

    30, Flirty, and Thriving: All It’s Cracked Up to Be?

    Jessica (J): Okay so…30, flirty, and thriving. Is it true?

    Amy, LPN

    Amy (A): Yes…I am…all of those things (ba-dum-chaaa!). 

    [pause for laughter] I actually do feel that is true though. I feel like 30 is the prime of your life. When I was young I looked at 30 as being old, but now that I’m here I honestly feel as if most of the things I’ve accomplished have set me up for success. Now I can kind of enjoy the ride at 30!

    (J): I agree…It’s almost as if past-Jessica was fumbling a bit, but was still making some good decisions, and now I’ll be able to…and am kind of already…bask in some of those efforts. 

    (A): Exactly. I mean, I sometimes I’ve felt like I’m a child in an adult’s body who has been given all these responsibilities…and I mean, I would say that even at 29 I still (in some ways) felt like a child, but now that I’m at 30, I kind of have this…it definitely feels like a true shift from child to adult.

    (J): That’s exciting to know, because even looking back to just two years ago…I sometimes wonder how the hell that past-me had her head on straight without knowing everything I’ve learned since. Which is why I’m glad to have you helping me…or like…leading me into 30! (haha)

    (A): Yes, of course! Honestly, It’s a good feeling. It’s not a dramatic shift on your 30th where you’re all depressed or anything, it’s more like: I feel I’m more on track now. Especially since I didn’t really have that high of standards for my younger self…

    (J): What do you mean? I felt like you were always aiming high!

    (A): I mean, in high school I just thought ‘okay, I guess I’m going to be a mom’, since I was a teen mom, you know. And really, that was my highest aspiration at the time—I didn’t see myself as going further. But now that my whole 20’s have gone by, I can say things like, I’ve gone to college, and travelled around the world, and even brought my family with me wherever I go. So those things are huge to think about now that I’m 30. I mean, I really did those things. 

    [pause] Did you think you were going to be self-employed when you were younger?

    (J): Oh! That’s a good question. I mean, I guess not. I always wanted to be an actress or writer or journalist…so a business wasn’t ever really something I thought about owning. But I have accomplished some of the things I set out to do back then, so that’s really something I suppose I can be proud of. Plus…I do own a business now…as a writer! So…I guess it all worked out, but it did take me until like…27 years old to get there.

    (A): Well, I think it wasn’t until my 28th year that I really started ‘getting it’. It’s been one of my favourite years so far. We did a bunch of travelling, and I was experimenting with my online business too, so I was riding the high of that success while it lasted…

    Amy (2018)

    (J): Um, yes, I remember that year VERY clearly because I had never fangirled so hard for you before? You were like, my influencer mogul icon that year…

    (A): Hahaha! Oh my god yoooooou! Stop, I love you!

    (J): And that was the year we all went to NYC too!

    (A): Oh yeah, we had so much fun that year with you guys! And that was the year I also took a yoga retreat by myself, which would have been my first solo international trip. I went to Mexico, and then the boys came down and met me there. We also went to Bali that year for a whole month—all four of us—so there was a lot of fun and self-development.

    (J): I actually had a pretty similar experience with 28. It did feel like a special shiny year where I suddenly had this awareness of being in control of my own life. I remember that year—I was just watching dishes one day—I had this moment where it hit me, already a quarter of the way through my life, that I could actually go out and buy a dog without anyone’s permission. I actually cried with this new-found…ownership of my life!

    Any Regrets?: Looking Back On Life from 30

    Amy

    Jessica (J): So, more and more, I think I can look back at myself in a more honest, forgiving, and mature light, the older I get. Do you feel the same?

    Amy (A): I can definitely relate. I feel like we all do a little bit of growing each year, but it was 26, 27, 28 where I really felt a change in my thought process. You’re done with your early twenties, and you can start to see where it is that you want to go.

    (J): Absolutely! I feel the same way. Suddenly, there’s this…and I think awareness is the right term to use…suddenly I could see myself as a whole person, and that made me want to be more responsible. Add to that—and maybe you remember having these thoughts—the part of me growing up that never even thought I would make it this far. Or who didn’t even want to. I remember thinking I didn’t want to live past 40 because, what’s worth living for after that many years? But now that I’m here and I got through that, I’m like, nope, even 100 years isn’t enough!

    (A): Yes! Exactly. It’s embarrassing, but one adult thing I procrastinated on, due to that kind of thinking, was that I never really managed my finances properly. And I still struggle with this, but I had this mindset where I would think, ‘you can’t spend money when you’re dead!’. As I was approaching 30 though, I really felt like I wanted a change. I wanted to go into my 30s responsible. I’d always been a bit insecure about finances, but I also wanted to have a savings, and investing in stocks, and to prepare for a retirement of some sort. So a few months before my 30th, I started working on that. I locked in a position that gave me a pension. I talked with the banks. And then I was able to turn 30 with some assurance.

    (J): Same! Just this past two months I’ve really been feeling the finance thing weighing over my head. And I ended up taking this great little course through Pandemic University which really showed me just how out of control I’d become, and it has helped me be more responsible with my finances and spending, and to pay more attention to the debt I created when I was just ‘spending before I die’. Of course, I’m also grateful that I’ve gained some patience for myself. And then (my quick-brain again)…I also heard something else the other day: that life is almost always the practice run. Rarely do we encounter the same problem we’ve encountered before, so we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves.

    (A): Right, like learning from your mistakes. Even that’s a learning jump. I remember a trip where we got back, and we had definitely over-spent, and I was mad at myself. I never wanted to let it happen again, and at first I felt so horrible for not planning it out. Then, I decided to start my savings, and paying attention, and do something about it.

    (J): It does feel sort of powerful now, having even a little bit of control over that, and yeah, learning from my mistakes instead of berating myself. Which has me wondering about, then, what it’s like now that you feel like a true adult—now that you’re an LPN who has travelled to more places than I can name—what it’s like turning 30 now, and seeing your kids follow in your footsteps?

    (A): With my own children, I remember exactly what it was like at their age, what I was thinking, and I see them thinking in the same way and exploring the world. But separate from that, I think about some of the ways I thought about aging when I was younger, and about life…and I think there’s some differences. For the most part I was pretty superficial, thinking I would just be old and wrinkly at this time in my life!

    (J): Yeah! I totally thought I was going to be ancient, and that life would be over…

    (A): Right. And now I’m here thinking the 30s are my prime, that I’ve set myself up career-wise, that I know what path I want to take, and that turning 40 and 50 are going to be the same way. So to my younger self I would say: this is going to be the best time of your life. You’re going to be sure of yourself, and more established, and you’re going to look forward to the next couple of decades.

    (J): Awe, okay, that’s nice to think about! I kind of feel like you’re saying that to me. 

    [pause] Thinking back to when I was younger though, I also had that same dread about aging. But now, I definitely don’t feel like that anymore—I feel really assured, and feel my experience and am grateful for it. Sometimes it’ll hit me like, whoa! There are 80+ more years of life I could have, and they could all be great! There’s so much more life to live!

    Life’s Biggest Lesson? Appreciate What You’ve Got

    Graphic Courtesy of JB Editing

    Amy (A): Something that hasn’t changed in my thinking though…and this might be morbid since we’re talking about living…but I’m actually very aware of our mortality. I think about it on a daily basis, which is why I’m trying to live as much life as possible while I can. Because…with getting older there’s something else: you start seeing more tragedies happen, and you begin to understand that you’re not guaranteed these future years. Turning a year older is really a blessing. There are so many more people who didn’t even make it this far, so we should be grateful for each year we turn older. That’s how I’m looking at it now anyway—just keeping the mortality anxiety at bay by living a very enjoyable life.

    Jessica (J): Honestly, I think I know why we’re best friends. I think about that all the time too! I remember the first way that ever came to me…I started thinking about the fact that I wasn’t always going to have use of my legs. I started thinking, well, I better get in as much walking as I fricken can, because I am not always going to be able to, and I am going to need those memories when I’m sedentary so I don’t go insane!

    (A): Well I’ve never thought about it that way so that’s going to keep me up at night.

    (J): You are most welcome! (haha) We’re such positive people! 

    [pause] No, but I really do think it’s because we are so aware of our mortality that we’re so dedicated to making the most of our days.

    (A): Right. There are so many people who live day-to-day in a rut and just coast. That’s the worst fear of mine.

    (J): Sometimes I think I may even be physically incapable of slowing down or coasting.

    (A): I know! And some people don’t realize they do it. Once they get into that rut of being like, ‘blah, this is life’, they’re either just waiting for the weekend, or living for the weekend, and that’s just not me.

    (J): I’ve always really liked people who don’t have that mentality. And like, discussing this idea of what it means to be turning 30, I guess I’ve just been building up to this point where I go ahead and ask: do you have any advice to smooth my transition?

    Amy, Mexico (2020)

    (A): Oh! Just not caring what people think. And living for yourself and your family. It might be generic, but those are huge. As I’ve grown, I think I’ve begun to realize what’s more important to me, and so I can make the choice not to spend my time in general with things that don’t match my goals. But learning what you want is a big part of the process in the first place. And that really only comes with the natural growth process, or…from real-life experience.

    (J): Well, I’m biased, but as a human being I know you’ve worked super hard to develop yourself, actively, and not fall into that rut, and to really focus on things that bring your life happiness. And I also know you don’t avoid the hard stuff in life either, so it’s not like you’re just ignoring what makes you unhappy, or just letting life affect you. What do you think? 

    (A): Well, I do read a lot of self-development books and podcasts, which are a saving grace because you can get some really great self-acknowledgement time for yourself…or, some more time for self-care.

    (J): That’s one of the things I love about self-development podcasts and books. Sometimes I forget just how understood I can really feel in the world, and that takes away so much tension.

    (A): Yes! If people don’t talk about these issues with themselves, or reflect, then you end up thinking you’re the only one who feels that way, and it can feel so isolating. I love podcasts because you can make these connections with other people who have thought the same things as you, and who can teach you something new, no matter how old you are!

    Some Things Never Change

    Jessica Barratt and Amy

    “Well…you’ve made me feel a little bit understood.” I say as Amy beams at me through the computer screen, my mirror of a smile just as wide in the monitor’s upper-right corner. 

    “You’re always there for me!” she laughs, her attention turning to the kids now rumbling down the stairs behind her. The conversation moves quickly from the two of us, to catching up with the whole family,  but to me this shift cements everything we’ve left unsaid: here we are, after all these years of knowing each other, surrounded by those we love, and still solidly in each other’s lives. 

    And so, without necessarily having found all the answers that will lead me on my own journey into my 30s, I feel I can bridge this next milestone with a little more confidence. After all, if my best friend can do it, so can I!

    Wish us luck!